Sunday, January 30, 2011

Overcoming Obstacles

I am awake at 2:00 a.m. again, feeling the familiar crushing feeling of panic in my chest.  No particular reason for it, but it’s there all the same, like a visitor no one invited.  I even worked out yesterday.  Yeah, me…I joined a gym and walked one and a half miles…not much, I know.  But it’s one and a half miles more than I walked the day before.  I thought that would help my sleep, anxiety and weight.  Apparently not so much for the sleep and anxiety, and the effect of walking on my weight remains to be seen.

I find that I frequently don’t know how to overcome certain obstacles…and I’m not even talking about the biggie- infertility.  The little obstacles keep tripping me up. 

In fairy tales, that just doesn’t happen.  The heroes of the tales are faced with challenges and they decisively conquer those obstacles with ease.  What is wrong with me that I can’t do the same?  All of my careful planning and obsessive researching is not getting me over the little hurdles being placed in my way.  I can’t even sleep…that’s not even supposed to be a hurdle.  That’s supposed to just happen.  Then again, so is getting pregnant.

A lot of times in fairy tales, the princess just waits for someone else to overcome obstacles for her, so that she can be saved.  There’s a lot of “deep sleeping” or going about a normal life until the prince comes to rescue her.  If only I could just sleep until I magically become pregnant…leave all of the worry and heartache on someone else’s plate.  Instead, I have to come up with some plan of action (hopefully one that will actually work) and find the strength to implement that plan.  Standing in front of my obstacles, staring at them, is not helping.  Apparently G.I. Joe’s “knowing is half the battle” slogan does not apply to infertility and everything that comes with it. 

I wish my prince would step in and make it all okay.  He has been especially distant since finding out on Friday that we are about a month away from me starting the medications to get the donor cycle going, and less than two months out from an embryo transfer.  I’m scared and I think he’s scared.  I think a lot of my panic comes from the fact that he acts like he isn’t committed to this, after encouraging me to commit, and now it is too late to back out (not that I want to).  I want compassion and encouragement, but I am getting long periods of silence and no physical contact at all.  He always seems irritated with me and if I try to address how he is acting, he retreats even further.  I wish he could recognize his feelings of fear for what they are and work through them, instead of putting up a wall (yet another hurdle) between us at the beginning of each ART cycle.  Then again, I’m lying awake, writing a blog in the middle of the night because I can’t work through my own fears and worries.  So I guess I shouldn’t be doling out the judgment and advice just yet.  Right now, we both need some rescuing.


bean dreams said...

I just found your blog and love how honest the writing is. I also recently started a blog after feeling many of the same things you describe in this post. The insomnia - I get it. The panicky feeling - totally there. The distance between hubs and I - creeps in unexpectedly over here too. I never understand how I can't seem to function half the time or why he overreacts, saying drastic things about fertility that haunt me. After my hard time or his hard time, we always come back to one another, comforting, clear headed. At those moments I understand what went wrong and how to avoid it. Still, it always seems to happen again! I am sorry you are going through all of this, just know that there is understanding out there. That is the beauty of this blogging thing, huh? It is exciting you are close to you donor cycle! Good luck!

One Cycle at a Time said...

I'm new to your blog. I love your writing! I even nominated you for an award on my blog! :-)

Princess Wahna Bea Mama said...

Thank you so much for the nomination! I love reading your blog, as well.

Princess Wahna Bea Mama said...

Bean Dreams,

Thank you so much for your lovely comment. It is weird how it is such cycle, isn't it? We can see issues coming down the road because we've seen them before, but it is tought to stop them at the past. As you said, at least we get those moments of clarity and at least we have each other to share them with.