Monday, April 16, 2012

Random Reflections

Let’s see…where was I at a year ago today?  I was fattening up my uterine lining to prepare for my donor egg cycle.  I was fantasizing day and night about what my donor was like.  I was picking out a gift and writing a letter to the donor, to show my appreciation for the wonderful gift she was giving to The Prince and me.  I was stalking the donor coordinator at my infertility clinic, nervously anticipating that something was going to go wrong with the donor’s cycle…because my history of IF had taught me to expect the worst.  I was worrying about potential future repercussions of referencing my infertility struggles on Facebook.

It’s really strange to look back at where I was at a year ago, knowing what I know now.  Knowing that the donor’s cycle would go perfectly and we would get more beautiful eggs to work with than we ever could have hoped for.  Knowing that my uterus would plump up and form a lovely little home that embryo Ian would nestle into for an entire pregnancy.  Knowing that I would finally experience a Mother’s Day that didn’t completely suck.  Knowing that no one would ever put me down or ask awkward questions about my IF “coming out.”  Knowing that many friends and family were suffering from IF in silence, and were inspired to reach out for some support once they knew they weren’t alone.

The only thing that hasn’t changed is that I still wonder about the egg donor and think about her sometimes…though it no longer takes up much of my time.  When people say that Ian looks like me, I always think of her for a second.  I’m not sure if that will ever change.  But it is always a positive thought.  I’ve realized in the last year that the fantasy I had built about who the donor was is not realistic.  I’ve also realized that I don’t want to try to find out who she is.  There was a time when I did.  I was so curious I couldn’t stand the idea of not knowing more about her.  But now I just feel a profound respect for her…and her privacy.  I would not be pleased if she decided to look me up, and I am going to afford her the same courtesy I expect.  The Parents Via Egg Donation Organization  blog recently asked about privacy boundaries between donors and recipients and it got me thinking about how much my thoughts and expectations have changed in the last year. 

There’s a part of me that wishes I knew then what I know now.  I could have saved myself from a lot of stress and anxiety.  But there’s another part of me that is happy that I went through those experiences…just as I needed to…as a process and a period of personal growth. 


Slackie O. said...

Thank you so much for continuing to write about this. It means a lot to have a window into how this path can unwind.

DandelionBreeze... aka NYMum said...

I can remember you writing about the lead up to your cycle... it seems like only yesterday :) You've come so far and it must be amazing to look at your little one after all that you've been through. Love always xoxo