My husband and I work hard not to curse around Ian. But sometimes a curse word is warranted, so
we say something like “B-word” or “S-word” or “F-word.” We can always tell from the context what was
meant. Well I have to say, ENDOMETRIOSIS
IS A BIG FAT ”B-WORD”!
I thought that after pregnancy I would get a bit of a
reprieve from my endometriosis symptoms.
Many women do. In fact, some are “cured”
of their symptoms after giving birth. I’ve
really tried to keep a positive attitude that I would be one of the lucky ones. Apparently I have yet again disproved the
power of positive thinking.
It has been approximately nine months since I gave
birth. Once the after-pregnancy bleeding
stopped, I had nothing. But, I was
breastfeeding, so I assumed AF would come back after I weaned Ian. Three months ago I weaned him, and for three
months…no AF. I had sort of resigned
myself to the fact that my female cycle was just dead. My body was in menopause, just as it had been
before I got pregnant. Then, yesterday,
I woke up with a nasty surprise.
Apparently AF decided to sneak back into my life like a thief in the
night…literally in the night.
I should back up a little.
I’ve felt twinges and aches for months that felt like endometriosis
pain, but I kept trying to tell myself it is just my uterus still shrinking or
my body adjusting after delivering a baby.
The last week or so, I had the old intense ache in my low back, non-stop
need to urinate regardless of how little urine I had to give up, and the
cramping that rivals food poisoning.
Trying to be a Positive Polly, I told myself that these things could be
a result of my new healthy lifestyle – high protein diet, greatly increased
physical activity level, and increased water intake. Somewhere inside I knew it was endo pain…but
I didn’t want to believe I could have endo so soon.
Anyways…back to the thief in the night. So, I woke up and cleaned up the colossal
mess that anyone with endometriosis is all too familiar with. I felt an insane amount of pain and nausea,
but I sucked it up and went to work with as much Ibuprofen in my system as my
stomach could handle. I did the
obligatory super tampon /overnight pad combo routine all day at work. And when I can home, I was greeted with the
unpleasant surprise that somehow I had failed to notice that I had leaked onto
my pants anyways (at least they were black pants). Humiliation on top of frustration and pain. Great.
I pulled out the old heating pad from its storage spot and
prayed for some relief. I forgot how
exhausted endometriosis makes you. Maybe
all periods cause fatigue. I’m not
sure. I was diagnosed with severe
endometriosis at age 14/15, so I don’t know if I ever got to have endo-free
periods. But I couldn’t keep my eyes
open yesterday. Maybe it was the pain
that was draining me. I’m not sure. But whatever the cause, anyone who says that
endometriosis isn’t a chronic, debilitating illness hasn’t been through it.
Today, things have only gotten worse. I’m exhausted, cranky, sick of spending as
much time in the bathroom as out. I don’t
feel like eating. I don’t feel like
sitting on the stupid towel I have to put down on the furniture “just in case.” I have a million thoughts swirling through my
mind like…”Do I really want to endure this for a few more years while my
husband comes around to the decision that I am already comfortable with…that
our family is complete with Ian?” or “What
if I decide to have a hysterectomy and end up getting cancer (having a
hysterectomy at a young age increases your risk for some cancers without
hormone replacement therapy…which you can’t take if you want to keep the endo
at bay)?” or “How can I have worked so hard
to get pregnant and now be so willing to let my ability to do that in the
future go away? Am I making too hasty a
decision?”
There are no good answers to these questions. In fact, there is really no good in even
asking the questions at all. I know they
are just a product of pain and frustration and that once this bout has passed my
concern about those issues will pass as well.
But, as endometriosis always does, it will continue to slowly progress,
interfering with my life more and more until, eventually, the questions have to
be answered. Until then, I know I need
to just bite the bullet, take comfort in the fact that I am not alone and that
there some of my friends in “the real world” and in “blog world” get what I am experiencing
right now. It is hard to expect any
empathy from someone who just hasn’t experienced this (i.e.- my husband). Endometriosis sucks! It’s unfair.
And it’s a B-word!
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