I probably shouldn't write this post. I think it is never good to just write (and post) off the cuff when I am really upset. I end up looking back at what I said and doing a "Doh!" But still...I'm going to write tonight anyways.
I'm writing because I am depressed and I have no one to talk to about it tonight. The beauty of going through infertility treatments with everyone is that you get to see all of your friends dreams come true around the same time (or at least over the course of a few years). The down side of having almost exclusively IF friends is that there is no one to call about problems when things pop up...because they have little kids/babies, too. That is not to say that any of my friends wouldn't find a way to drop what they were doing and listen to me if they could. Some of them have done just that in the past. But knowing how hard it is to juggle friendship time and baby time, I don't want to put them in that position. So...here I am...on my blog...talking to no one in particular.
I should probably get the answer to the big question out first. I am NOT suicidal at all. I've been depressed on and off throughout my life and I am pretty sure this is the product of hormones and life's circumstances hitting me at the same time. I don't think this is going to turn into a clinical, chronic thing (or at least I hope not). I see a psychologist to deal with my issues with food, in preparation for my upcoming weight loss surgery, so I am "seeing a professional" who is aware of how blue I started feeling last week. I'm trying to work out what is causing me to feel so blue, so crabby and so fatigued. Here are my ideas:
1. THE BIG ONE - My dog who has cancer (and was diagnosed while I was pregnant last summer) is nearing the end. But she is one of those stoic dogs that won't just stop eating, or stop playing, so you know it is "time." No...she wags her little tail and gets into stuff like normal. But she won't walk outside anymore, she goes to the bathroom on the floor randomly without even bothering to squat and she pants constantly. She can't eat regular dog food because of the golf-ball sized tumor in her mouth, so we switched her to wet food. She eats it voraciously, then promptly throws up some clear slime substance a half hour later. I've given her pain meds, but they don't seem to be helping. I'm struggling horribly with the "when" choice. Do I wait until I'm sure her quality life is bad enough that putting her to sleep is a kindness? Or do I put her to sleep while she is still happy, before she gets to the quitting point? This weighs on me day and night. I've talked to two vets, my husband, my friends...everyone who will listen. But ultimately, she is my dog and it is my decision. And it sucks.
2. My family is a train wreck. As usual. Not much that needs to be said here for anyone who has followed my blog. My sister's children are currently in Belize and I have to say that I don't think that is the worst place for them. Nice, huh? I prefer them to be with complete strangers in a poor country where I will likely never see them again as opposed to having them live with my sister. I've just written them all off. My husband and I can't fight everyone all the time to give the kids a normal life and, as selfish as this will sound, my sister and her friends are dangerous and I have to think about Ian's safety above all else...even above the welfare of my niece and nephew. I can't even hear about what is going on because it causes me physical pain. My mom is just enabling the whole situation and so I've had to tell her we can't talk about anything other than how Ian is doing, the weather, etc. In short, I have made the decision to almost completely cut my family out of my life...and that sucks too. I want them to be something they can't be and they want me to stop expecting more from them. I'm just done with it all.
3. My weight loss is a slow and tortuous journey. I needed to lose 13 pounds by October 15th in order to get the surgery date I want. I'm currently down 8.5 pounds...but I've been working on this for months now. How am I going to lose another 4.5 pounds in a month? I walk my entire lunch hour at work, despite my sore knees, hips, feet etc. I eat what I am supposed to eat and avoid what I am supposed to avoid. Why the heck can't I get this weight off? And why do I have to lose weight on my own to get weight loss surgery (which you get because you can't keep weight off on your own)? I actually know the answer to that question but still the situation is frustrating. I try not to beat myself up too much, but really?!? How did I let myself get this big? I try to focus on the fact that I'm doing something to change it now...and that's what is important. But when I can hardly walk because my feet are so sore from carrying all my weight around, or when I have to stop and rest between each flight of stairs I walk up, it is really hard to be positive.
4. My husband hasn't touched me in a remotely romantic way since I got pregnant. Granted, we weren't probably having enough sex to get pregnant on our own before my pregnancy. But now...nothing. During the pregnancy he used the excuse that he didn't want to hurt me or the baby. In hindsight, given my preterm labor, I'm glad we didn't go there. But since the baby was born...still nothing. All of my advances are rebuffed. He watched the childbirth process...from the baby-coming-out view. Did it gross him out so bad he can't stand the idea of that body part being sexual again? Does he see me just as a mommy and not as a lover anymore? Is he so grossed out by the weight and stretch marks that he just can't make himself do it? I've asked him and he says no to all of these above...but then we still don't "do it." It makes me think...I wouldn't really want to have sex with me either at this point, so how can I get upset about him not wanting to. But still...this situation is a bit depressing. Every wife wants to feel wanted. I should add, in fairness to him though, our marriage is about the strongest it has ever been. We are a great team when it comes to raising Ian and what my husband is lacking in the bedroom department, he is more than making up for in the "being an awesome Dad" department. Still...no sex sucks.
5. I can't get anything accomplished. I like order. I like knowledge. I like things to be clean and tidy. My life is a constant state of chaos. If when Ian goes to bed he doesn't have food stuck in his eyebrow or on his ears, I've had a good day. That's how low the bar is set now. Forget cooking. That happens maybe three times a week (probably part of #3's issues). Forget housecleaning. My husband and I tag team clean, handing off the baby in between chores. I have to grit my teeth and appreciate my husband doing a crappy job at his chores, and I have to prioritize mine and find ways to let things go. For example...my kitchen stove top has not been thoroughly washed in three weeks (guess it's a good thing I'm not cooking more, huh?). Before Saturday...our floors had not been mopped or even swept in two weeks (unless you count bleaching all of the spots where our dog with cancer "went" on the floors). Ian's playroom and my bedroom are the only sacred rooms that gets cleaned thoroughly during the week. Unfortunately, we can't live in those rooms...or we'd turn them into chaos, too. I think this is going to have to be the new normal standard..."Good enough." But I am having a very tough time adjusting.
6. The chronic pain associated with the endometriosis sent me reeling. I feel better now, but I forgot how awful that pain really is. I forgot how my whole system would just revolt, making every movement painful. I forgot how it felt to be so tired I couldn't even get out of bed...no matter how badly I needed to. I am terrified of the disease progressing again. It will happen. no amount of happy thinking will fix that. But it may happen slowly, and that is all I can hope for. But right now...I am really sad to know that more pain is coming.
There is probably even more going on than all of this, but this is what is rolling off the tip of my tongue. Whatever is causing my "blues," I need to get over it. I don't have the time or energy to be at less than tip top shape. Maybe this is just like a second wave of baby blues related to that first post-pregnancy period. Who knows. At least I got all of this crap out of my system. Sorry for such a crap post.