He said...She said...But They Really Meant...



There are no fairy tales (or at least none that I know of) in which the princess and prince speak different languages until magic steps in and causes the language barrier to crumble.  There should be.  With all of the other analogies to real life situations that fairy tales cover, why not an analogy for the most common problem between couples – miscommunication.

Last Saturday, the Prince and I went to marriage counseling.  The Prince, as usual, threw a bit of a fit about going…picking a fight as soon as I woke up and stating that he wasn’t going.  He openly admits to our counselor that he hates coming to counseling.  He even understands that he hates counseling because he is very uncomfortable dealing with feelings and emotions, whether they be mine, his, or someone else’s.  However, the Prince went to our appointment on Saturday and, as usual, he admitted at the end of the session that the counseling was helpful and that he wanted to schedule another appointment.  And I have a theory about why he values marriage counseling even though I think he does actually hate it.

My theory is that the Prince recognizes the magic that is occurring in the counselor’s office when the counselor translates between Man Speak and Woman Speak.  I also think that, somewhere buried deep inside the Prince, there is an “observer” that recognizes that being forced to sit in a room, as opposed to running away, while I cry and express my feelings about infertility is a valuable exercise for him.  He needs to hear what I have to say, but he doesn’t want to because it makes him feel “too much.”  Having to hear it in a safe and controlled setting must make him feel more connected as a husband, whether he is able to fully understand what he is feeling and why, or not.

On Saturday, I brought up my intense fear that the Prince is going to run away emotionally when things get tough this cycle…which they will.  The Prince feels that I am being pessimistic about the cycle and that he thinks it is going to work this time (yeah…at least one of us is Positive Polly).  I explained that I’m not talking about the outcome of the cycle, I’m talking about hormones swirling through my system as we go through our most critical cycle yet…right before mother’s day.  I need a plan for us to handle my mood swings and any potential set backs, so I can feel some security going into this cycle of the unknown.  The counselor pointed out to me that the Prince is being optimistic that this time is going to work and that I should feel comfort in that, using him as a rock when my hope falters.  The counselor also made the Prince remember a time when he was terrified of something that was out of his control (of course the Prince chose an example from when he was six years old), and asked him to remember that feeling every time I cried or asked for comfort.  At one point, the counselor even forced the Prince to follow the source of his aversion to answering a certain question until the Prince finally blurted out “It sucks that I can’t fix this!  What does she want me to do?  I can’t fix it.”  I started crying…tears of joy.  I’ve waited three years, hoping to hear the Prince say that.  Not because I want him to be frustrated or uncomfortable, but because every other IF husband I know of will say how badly he wants to fix the situation to spare his wife pain.  This counseling session was the first time the Prince indicated that his avoidance behavior was about his own pain and feelings of helplessness, as opposed to irritation with me.  It was the first time I heard him say that he wanted to make this easier for me and recognized that he couldn’t.  I know that’s not the exact words he used, but as the counselor pointed out…that’s really what the Prince said.  The counselor was able to break down the language barrier, turning Man Speak into Woman Speak for just a little while…and that takes magic.



Royal Pain in the Butt...



Today I received our consent forms for the cycle.  The “royal decree,” if you will.  As in most fairy tales, we need to know what the rules are for the next leg in our journey.  I thought it would be exciting to get the forms...more information (ahhhhh sweet information)…a catalyst of sorts.  Something that would sling me into a “go-getter” attitude about this donor cycle.  It wasn’t everything I had hoped for.  Instead, the more I read, the more I cried.  Instead of being a royal decree, the forms have been a royal pain in the a$$.

The donor coordinator messed up the medications she had previously told me I needed to supply, meaning I have to pay $1500 more for meds than I had anticipated.  The financial information is also different from what I had been told.  I was told I would pay $4200 and my insurance would be billed for the rest…and that I might even get a refund from the $4200 depending on what the insurance covered.  But the consent form says that I have to pay $6200 up-front or $4200 and $167 per month for 12 months.  There is no mention of my insurance coverage or of any reimbursement.  I’m so frustrated.  There is other paperwork (like our expected medication schedule) that is not filled in.  There are medication directions that are contrary to what I have been told by my clinic and contrary to what I have been taking right along.  It all just makes me sick.

I know, in my head, that this is okay.  The important stuff (like my name, the Prince’s name, our donor number, etc.) is correct on the forms.  It is just clear that the donor wasn’t paying very close attention…okay…not paying attention at all when she filled out the majority of the consent forms.  It will be okay.  Even if we have to pay more money up-front, it’s not like we don’t have it in the bank (barely).  I won’t be happy…but I know it will be okay.  Nothing so far, even the medication screw-ups, is a deal-breaker for our cycle.  But for someone as detail-oriented as I am, this is like a slap in the face.  I want to yell “Don’t you understand how important this is to me?  If your only chance at getting the most important thing in your life depended on you getting information right…I’m betting you would pay closer attention to what you are doing!”  I won’t yell, though.  And I know I’ll even stop crying (soon).  But right now, I’m really angry.  I don’t know what is going on in this woman’s personal or professional life that might account for the oversights, and I probably should be more understanding and less quick to judge.  But if being an egg donor coordinator was my job, I know I would be empathetic and would make sure that I made everything as smooth as possible for the couples involved.  This woman does not do that.  She clearly did not even proofread the “royal decree” before she sent it to me.

My husband was told in marriage counseling this morning that he needs to be “the rock” this cycle.  He needs to step in whenever he can to help out.  The Prince has always been willing to deal with the donor coordinator…since the first time she made me cry.  But I am never willing to let go.  I think I feel like everything is so out of my control…I have to keep the communication with the coordinator as “mine,” because it is control over information…and that’s something.  However, when the Prince said today, as I cried and complained about the forms, “Let me deal with her from now on.,” I said, “Okay.”  I will make the phone call on Monday to try to straighten things out…only because I am the one that directly received information from the coordinator contrary to the information she is now providing.  After that, any more bumps in the road are going to be handled by the Prince…even though he doesn’t know an egg from an embryo (still).  “Let go” is frequently my yoga intention (the thought or goal you strive for and focus on during a yoga session).  So…I’m practicing letting go by taking this one step…and it is really scary.