Monday, November 21, 2011

Enough Is Enough

This is not going to be a very cheery post…just to give you some fair warning. I’ve tried to hold off on writing, waiting for my dreary mood to lift.  But, if I wait for that to happen, I may not get to write for a LONG time.

To start the post on a high note, the baby is doing great.  Our little Thanksgiving turkey is still cookin’, and he still seems oblivious to what is going on with me.  He has frequent bouts of hiccups, but other than that, he is exactly the same as he was before all of this started. 

Another happy thought is that I have been having visitors and that is, I think, what has kept me going.  People have sent flowers, sat with me while I cried, and one friend even brought me a book of inspirational quotes about joy…to read when things get really rough.  I know I’ve said it before, but my friends are amazing and I only hope I get to return their support when all of this has passed. 

I’ve tried to find activities for myself, things I would enjoy doing or which are similar to the things I would be doing if I wasn’t stuck in the hospital on bed rest.  But the truth is, it is only the anticipation of visits from friends, showers, time in the whirlpool bath, and clean sheets that keep me going.  Everything else seems forced.  I broke down and took a narcotic pain medication last night, as my blood pressure had spiked from the pain of the contractions and they couldn’t’ get it down.  Even Percocet didn’t ease my nasty mood (or the pain).

I don’t think I will have a roommate for much longer.  She had an amniocentesis this morning because they found pockets of excess fluid around the baby a couple of days ago.  It turns out, she miscalculated her due date.  She is only 34 weeks along and the baby’s lungs aren’t even close to mature.  The doctor came in to explain to her that she needs to stay in the hospital until the lungs mature, as the baby would likely die if she had it anywhere but at this hospital.  Because she already has a tear in her placenta/placental abruption, and a low blood count, there is even a chance she won’t make it through a delivery.  She told the doctor to shove it up her ass…she’s leaving.  She’s packed up her stuff, all the while complaining to me about how stupid the doctors are and how she needs to go home where she can do what she needs to do.  I’m not sure what she “needs to do,” but if her activities in the hospital are any indication, that baby is in real trouble.  The woman who cleans our room has found two empty vodka bottles in our room (in case I need to say it…they aren’t mine).  The roomie told the nurse who was lecturing her about the dangers of smoking during pregnancy yesterday that they should be happy she has cut down to 14 cigarettes a day, as she was smoking twice that much when she came in.  It just breaks my heart.  I HATE being here right now, but wild horses couldn’t drag me an hour or two away from this hospital (that’s how far away this woman lives).  This is where my baby needs to be when he decides to come see us.  How can the roomie not get that?  How can she take something so precious for granted?  It’s hard to watch.

On another topic (because if I focus on that one anymore, I’m not going to make it through this post), I am officially leaking milk.  Gross.  I know.  I had been leaking milk a little before, but now I get big wet spots on my shirt during the day and I actually squirt milk if I lean against my breast at all.  My breasts are enormous!  They don’t fit into a 3x sports bra, and I’m not sure where I can really go from there.  For right now, the ladies are just having to squeeze into what I’ve got.  Not wearing a bra is no longer an option. The hospital gave me nursing pads.  They remind me a lot of circular maxi pads.  NOT COMFORTABLE against my nipples.  But my boss is coming to see me today, to do my biannual evaluation and to take my work laptop away (I’m out on leave now, as we can’t get my work laptop to work at the hospital), and I don’t want to take any chances of having an awkward moment while he’s here.  It is really odd to see my breast actually produce milk.  I mean, I knew it was coming and I know it is natural.  But it still seems strange.  There is part of me that wants to smile about it, as it makes the fact that I am going to be a mommy even more real.  But there is a part of me that freaks out about it a little bit, like I am losing part of my identity as a woman outside of motherhood.  I’m sure that makes no sense, but it is how I feel…sometimes. 

My body feels like it is not my own…like it is betraying me again.  My cervix is still at 5 cm and seems happy to stay there.  My uterus has apparently not gotten the memo from my cervix, and it won’t stop contracting.  Day after day after day…it just wears me down.  Today, the doctor (one of Dr. C’s partners) told me that every day I am not having this baby is a miracle, and I should celebrate it as such.  She said she knows it is hard for me, but no one expected me to make it this long and now everyone is excited to see how long I can hold out.  I needed to hear that.  I needed to hear things put in those terms…like people are proud of me and what I am doing is a major accomplishment.  Too often people say to me “You’re doing good.  This is good for the baby.”  That’s a nice thing to say, but it isn’t the same as telling me that what I’m doing is amazing and special.  I know it is super selfish, but that’s what I need right now.  To be told that what I am doing is superhuman…even if it isn’t.  I’ll keep taking care of the baby, doing everything I can to keep him safe inside of me.  But I need someone to take care of me.  I feel like I’m getting lost in all of this.  I know…welcome to motherhood.  I just have to believe these feelings would be a little easier to bear if I was holding my baby in my arms, instead of waiting for him to arrive.  We’ll find out I guess…though hopefully not too soon.  

On another high note, today’s doctor (the one who gave the great inspirational speech) has given me permission to take a wheelchair ride.  If the weather warms up a little, and my husband comes to visit when I am not having contractions and everything is stable, he can wheel me outside the front door of the hospital, so I can get a little fresh air before the bad weather sets in.  The Prince didn’t seem thrilled about that prospect when I told him over the phone this a.m.  He is really bored with the whole hospital visit thing.  He even volunteered to work at his parents’ restaurant on Thanksgiving, and told me he didn’t think he would get a chance to come see me after he was done.  How can he not understand how devastating it is to me that he would think it is okay to leave me alone on Thanksgiving?  I think his Mom is putting a stop to his plans…and will make him bring me some real food from the restaurant for dinner.  But I hate that he has to be forced to do that.  It is hard for me to feel like he sees spending time with me as such a burden.  I get it…I just wish he could empathize with how hard this is for me.  I felt like he really got it last week.  He was sweet and here as much as he could be, rubbing my shoulders and back during contractions.  Now, I have to force him to give me a hug and peck on the cheek when he leaves.  If I had to guess, I would think that this may be some kind of whacky male coping mechanism.  Maybe the stress is wearing him down too, and his way of dealing with the helpless feeling is to avoid being around the situation.  Oh well.  It sucks, but he’s wheeling me outside whether he wants to our not.  I’ve got a serious case of cabin fever and I literally cried when the doctor said I could go outside.  Small victories.

Well, it is almost lunch time (the food might be part of what is wearing me down too…it doesn’t get any better).  So, I better go.  I’ll try to suck it up and write more often.  Not writing my thoughts down isn’t helping.  I just hate to be Debbie Downer all of the time.  I think it gives people a skewed idea of who I am.  Hopefully tomorrow will be better.


Anonymous said...

I've been anxiously awaiting this post, and my heart just swelled to read that your Little One is still hanging on in there. But all the other drama has me crying for you. You are doing amazing, if I was in your place I think I would have flipped out if any one of these things had happened to me. Know that I'm thinking of you always, even though I only know you as Princess, I'm sending good thoughts your way

anorthowife said...

ive been shy about commenting before, but ive been praying about you the past *week* plus! even though im a total stranger, know that there's a girl here in Ohio thinking about you and admiring just how brave you are.

last year one of my closest girlfriends went on bed rest for her pregnancy at 13 weeks. and it was that way for the entire pregnancy. she had been blessed with 3 healthy, easy pregnancies before and suddenly found herself "chained" to her downstairs couch for almost the entire pregnancy. anytime she moved it would cause severe bleeding and there were many times that she almost lost her little man. but she made it and you will too!

obviously you are not the same person, but after witnessing what she had to go through and supporting her through that ordeal makes me ache for you. this IS incredibly difficult. in fact, this is one of the most difficult things you might ever face (along with infertility of course). but you ARE getting through this! every day i dont see a birth post i do a little happy dance in my mind. keep going honey - YOU CAN DO THIS!

as women our bodies require more from us than we know. you see those lines on the pregnancy test and there's no comprehension of just how taxing this experience is on our bodies. so im grateful for your strength, your baby's strength, and YOUR BODY's strength! you've talked before about how you feel like your body has betrayed you or not performed the way it should. but now... NOW it's fighting harder than it ever has! look at how strong your body really is - to fight day and night for your little boy. that's amazing. thank you for inspiring me and so many others.

you are stronger than you think. you are more amazing than you know. you are going to get through this!

Lindsey said...

I'm so happy to read this post. I usually go blog free on the weekend for my own sanity but this weekend I kept checking for updates from you.

You are a rockstar for holding on to that little guy this long, especially with all of the shit going on around you. I hope someday your little one (when he's grown) can read some of these posts and realize what you went through to bring him into this world and how lucky he is to have you for his mamma.

As for the Prince, he is so much like Blue it is scary... Last weekend he kept askign me to go skiing with him (I have placenta previa and am just short of bed rest) I kept telling him I didn't think I could. When I finally asked the doc she laughed in my face. I think boys don't know how to deal with this stuff so they just pretend it isn't happening (which makes it so so much worse for us!)

aliciamarie911 said...

This is the post that I have been waiting for. I was just thinking to myself, "I wonder how the princess is doing?!," so i logged online just to see if you had updated, and YOU DID!

I'm beyond thrilled that the baby is holding out. It's not selfish for you to need to know that you're doing something extraordinary...because YOU ARE!

Men, men men! I'm sorry he's trying to find ways to stay away from the hospital. I know that I would go crazy if I had to stay in the hospital that long and not have my husband around.

And that roommate of yours....just reading about her makes me wanna punch her in her face! She doesn't deserve kids! That poor, poor baby. I'd give anything to be there the second that baby comes into this world and take it away from her! grrrrr!

Keep up the wonderful work you're doing to keep that little one inside you as long as you can!
I look forward to more your next post!

S said...

I am so glad that your little guy is staying put. That you've held out this long at 5 cm is nothing short of miraculous, and I hope it continues. Every day he stays in utero is one less day in the NICU.

And wow, I'm sorry you had to put up with that (crackhead? meth user?) roommate. That would drive me nuts if I *weren't* pregnant, let alone in your situation. Her poor baby.

Oh, and don't worry about being a Debbie Downer here. In my view, that's a big part of what blogging is for: cheap (free) therapy!

Anonymous said...

Hi Princess! Glad to see you have finally posted but I'm even more ecstatic to hear your sweet angel is still cooking!!!

I'm sorry the prince is being a man right now but unfortunately they just don't get it. My husband did the same thing but you must stay focused on your baby.

I have been following you for quite some time never having left a comment but I'd like to share my story with you and I hope it will help you a bit in getting through this hard time.

I too began my pregnancy with two little beans. Without warning at my 10 week check up my Dr. Saw that one had stopped growing.....I was devastated and scared I would lose them both.

Aside from some bleeding from my loss the rest of my pregnancy continued smoothly or so i thought .

At 28 weeks I passed my mucus plug. When I called the Dr. They chalked it up to discharge as there were no contractions nor bleeding. I went in to labor and delivery just to make sure. When they hooked me up for monitoring they realized I was having contractions ( i thought they were braxton hicks since they were painless) and was 85% effaced and 2-3 cm dilated.

I was admitted and told my baby would be arriving that day. It was august 28. I was given the steroid shot for the baby's lungs and given the same terrifying speech about what to expect with a baby so early.

Luckily they were able to stop the contractions. After a week in the hospital I convinced them to let me go home on bed rest. It was soooooo hard but I had to keep reminding myself that inside was where the baby needed to be. Every extra day inside of you really is one or two less days in the nicu. Please believe that!!

My angel and I made it exactly five weeks longer. The doctors were amazed because like you they initially only gave me days. Not one of them saw us going five more weeks.....

My son was born at 33w5d on October 3rd. He weighed 4lbs 9oz. He scored a 9/9 on his agpar score. Initially the doctors thought he would need the nicu for about ten days mostly because I believe they can't discharge before 35 weeks. He ended up staying 2 weeks as he had jaundice and struggled to maintain his body temperature.

He is exactly seven weeks old today and is now 7.5 pounds. So far everything has gone well and his pediatrician thinks he will progress just as if he had gone to term.

I'm sorry if the post if all over the place but I'm trying to cram everything in as feeding time is nearing....

I hope I have given you some encouragement and faith because everything will be great. You are doing an amazing job. It is not easy but you are strong and will get through this.

Please keep us posted. Although we only know you as princess you have a lot of people praying for you and your sweet angel....

Thinking about you in NY! Big hugs....<3 Jazmin