Tuesday, November 15, 2011

My Private Struggle...Only Without The "Private"

First, I want to say thank you so much to everyone who has commented with kind words and support over the last few days.  When I think about how amazing my friends and family have been, and how much energy people have devoted to thinking about us and sending us their thoughts and prayers, I get overwhelmed and start to cry.  I am not a Positive Polly (as those of you who follow my blog well know), and I often have less faith in humanity than I would like.  It is only at times like these, when I am facing something that I feel too weak to handle on my own, that I am reminded that I'm not on my own because there are truly good, kind people all over the world who actually care about others.  I know this all sounds very "Polly-Anna'ish," but it is how I feel and I want to express it (before I move on to my complaining...that sounds more like me).

Yesterday was a rough day.  I had a rough time dealing emotionally with what is going on.  I thought I would have been in a better place in my head by now, as usually I just need an initial adjustment period before my inner strength kicks in.  Not so much with this.  When I try to talk to the baby, I start crying and get so choked up I can't do it.  I can't even describe why it happens....it just does.  When there is a small setback (like waiting for the nurses to answer my call button, or another doctor saying "Who knows what is going to happen over the next few days?"), I get frustrated and sometimes cry.  If they make me wait to eat (because the tray comes to my room but I have to wait for the nurse to give me my insulin before I start eating), I start to cry in frustration.  I think this situation just makes me feel very helpless, and setbacks...even tiny ridiculous ones...remind me that I am at the mercy of others and fate.  I'm not taking that well.

Last evening, The Prince came to visit me at about 3:30, between his day job and evening class.  He joked that we were entering a three hours period when I could not have the baby...as he could not cancel his evening class.  I joked in reply that I would put 50 to 1 odds on me not having the baby during those three hours.  On cue, the baby pushed down in my pelvis and a wave of contractions started.  The Prince had to leave for his class anyways, so I ended up going through a couple of hours of the strongest contractions I've had yet, at one to two minutes apart with little rest between peaks.  It wasn't fun. It was scary.  The baby kept dancing around in there during the contractions (not so helpful with the pain, but reassuring) and luckily, my water didn't break.  It took two injections and a pill to slow down the contractions.  I'm still only 5 c.m. dilated, but the membranes are bulging even more...which means more restricted activity (as if that is even possible).  I am still having contractions every ten to fifteen minutes, but the doctor who checked on me last night thinks that is going to be the norm until the baby comes.  I have to keep taking an oral medication to try to keep the contractions at bay (it makes me shake like an addict and causes tachycardia...but both are preferable to having the baby right now).  Once the water breaks, we will have to let the labor move forward and it will probably move quickly.  But until then, I just have to tough out the contractions and we will watch to make sure the baby isn't reacting to them.  If he does, they may need to move forward with labor.  If he continues with his strong heart rate and movement (even the nurses say he's an INCREDIBLY active baby), we will just wait.

After the contractions slowed last night, I had to wait a couple more hours before I could eat.  So, my already gross hospital food was three and a half hours old by the time I could eat it.  And, as I was trying to figure out how to nicely explain to the nurse that I could not eat hours old powdered mashed potatoes and solidified gravy, she informed me that I was being moved to a different room - one with a roommate.  I lost it.  I had another meltdown and pouted while I threw my things into my bags for transfer to another room (apparently, I am not allowed to stand up for a shower but I am allowed to stand up and carry my own bags to make room for another patient).  I called my husband, interrupting the end of his lecture, and begged him to come take me home.  I told him about the food and the room change and the contractions and just sobbed.  I demanded to speak to the doctor and told her it was stupid I wasn't able to go home when we only live 15 minutes away and it takes the nurses that long to respond to my call button.  I'm terribly embarrassed about how I behaved (now), but I had zero control over myself last night.  I was on a rampage.

When I got to my new room, my new roommate had 10 family members in the room.  She has placenta previa and was admitted at 30 weeks with hemorrhaging.  She's at 32 weeks now and is shooting for a c-section at 34 weeks.  She is allowed to walk around the hospital and wear her own clothes, etc.  She just can't go home because she lives far from the hospital and she could bleed to death during the hour drive.  Her family is from Kentucky, so they sleep here (only her mother sleeps in the room...the rest sleep in the waiting room), and they are here all the time.  She was complaining about it last night.  I've been not having visitors because I felt like I needed to hunker down and push through what I am going through on my own (and with The Prince).  Now...that isn't really an option.  I have her visitors whether I want them or not.  Plus, having the roommates stuff everywhere in the room is making it even harder for me to accept that I can't be at home.  This doesn't feel like my room...it feels like I am staying in hers.  I don't feel like asking her to change anything, even though she probably would if I asked.  I just feel like whining.  I feel like everything I have tried to have even the tiniest amount of control over (I had just asked The Prince to bring me a few things from home, yesterday, so I could "decorate" the room to make myself more comfortable), has been pulled away from me.  It's not a pleasant feeling.

Today, I am going to just focus on not focusing on all of this negativity.  I am going to try to work from bed, to keep my mind off of the contractions and what is going on around me.  I am going to try to not analyze the contractions or pains I feel, and to just take them for what they are...ultimately temporary.  I am going to remind myself that when I am holding our baby a year from now, I won't even remember how awful I felt in the hospital.  None of it will matter.  I'm going to focus on the small pleasures...like the steak dinner that The Prince brought me last night to make me feel better about not being able to eat old powdered mashed potatoes (have I mentioned how awesome he is?)...that make this experience more bearable.  I'm not up to shooting for gratitude yet today... but I'm taking baby steps in that direction.

11 comments:

Christina said...

I wish there was something the rest of us could do to help ease your stress, worry, discomfort and unhappiness with this situation. I can't believe they threw you in a room with someone else and their constant guests! And this is after they stopped with the prompt responses...

While I can't imagine what you (and the Prince) are going through, I feel for you and hurt for you all. I'm hoping and praying for the best of outcomes for ya'll! It may not seem like it right now, but you are being incredibly strong!

Endo_Life said...

I am sorry for all the stress. Thinking of you and waiting to for updates to hear the little one is hanging on in there. I wish this wasn't such a toll on you but you are doing brilliantly xxx

Anonymous said...

I'm thinking it might be time for you to call in the doula. Even if it is just so she help get the nurses in faster when you need them for your insulin. You should not be having to wait, they know when meals are being served, they should know to start visiting their patients well in advance of the food coming.

So glad to see that baby boy has stayed put one more day, but hopefully this ordeal will be over soon

Elphaba said...

Oh hun, that sounds all really terrible and you have every right to complain. How frustrating that you can't even be on your own through all this. I'm glad to hear baby is hanging in there and that he's had a few more days to grow though. Sending you whatever thoughts you need to get through this.

Lindsey said...

I'm so sorry that you have all this added crap on top of trying to keep the little one in there! I would have freaked out on the nurse too! I'm so glad your little guy is holding strong though, I'll keep up my prayer vigil I've had going since your first post about going into this hospital.

Jennifer said...

It sounds like you are going through absolute and total hell. I don't blame you for being pissed about having a roommate. Tres unpleasant!! Plus cold food and contractions? OMG. If I were you, I think I'd be in hysterics too. I can't believe you're not allowed to stand up and shower but it's OK for you to move your bags! That's nuts.

I agree with the commenter who suggested calling your doula. I think it would be very helpful for you to have someone with you to advocate for you in addition to your husband. You are too sick right now to effectively advocate for yourself, and you shouldn't have to. The doula is probably used to hospitals and might be quite effective at helping with things.

Jade from Seattle said...

So glad you are hanging in there, Princess, only a couple more days until you make it to 31 weeks (right?). I agree with the other posters that you need someone to advocate for you, maybe setting some ground rules with the roommate as to how many visitors can be in your room at one time and how long they can stay. You said in one of your last posts that you need to avoid stress, well this sounds like a pretty stressful situation! Hang in there, this will be over soon enough.

ks said...

Oh shitzer! That's rotten! Don't feel bad about how you behaved last night I would have been the same way as well! Hospital stays are rough enough without the extra unnecessary stressors. Just hold on Princess, the longer you can keep little Prince in the better! Deep breaths! I'll be praying for zen thoughts and strength for you!

China Doll said...

It's so ridiculous that you're not allowed to have a shower but they made you pack your own bags to move to another room! I agree that setting some ground rules with your room-mate would be a good idea and also calling your doula too - does she know what's happening?
But overall, you're doing such a great job - baby boy has had some extra growing time and you're right.. when you're holding him in the weeks to come, all of this experience will have melted away.
Thinking of you xxx

NewYearMum2.blogspot.com said...

Been thinking of you heaps... you and your son are true fighters and, though it may not feel like it, sounds like your doing an amazing job hanging in there !! I would have lost it days ago ! Unbelievable that you've had to move rooms and pack your own stuff.... the hospital system is crazy sometimes :( Thinking of you and your little man :)) xoxo

Anonymous said...

I have been following your blog for quite a while, but have never commented. I think of your often, and use you as a guide of sorts- I am 8 weeks behind you, and its nice to know what lies ahead :) I just had to post after reading this though... I know that you and your little man will be fine, it's obviously not the ideal situation, but "it is what it is" and things will work out. What absolutely kills me is that they not only made you move your own bags when you should be on STRICT bedrest- but they moved you in with a roomate!? One who has constant visitors at that?! OMG!!!!! I would bitch and complain, yell, cry, kick and SCREAM until they put me back in a private room. Seriously- if you're trying to avoid stress, how could sharing a room with someone be the best thing for you???? UGHHH I am so upset on your behalf I am literally shaking.
You are most certainly a stronger woman that I, in fact, you deserve saint hood for not completely losing it. You are going to give your son the gift of patience, among other things- thats for sure!
Hang in there Momma, and DEMAND better care and more prompt service from your nurses, remember- the squeaky wheel gets the grease!!!!!