No Sugar...Just Spice (a.k.a. The Pissed Off Princess)

I had to share this cartoon...even if it has absolutely nothing to do with my post today.

In six hours, I will be 29 weeks pregnant and I have realized that pregnancy has destroyed whatever filter I had left that kept me from saying what was on my mind.  I’ve never been especially skilled at keeping my feelings to myself, but generally I was able to sugar coat the bad stuff enough that no one would have described me as …well…you know what word I’m looking for.  Now…there’s no more sugar left in me.  Only spice.  And occasionally anger.  I feel like all of the anger that I had built up during IVF… anger that I thought had gone away when I got pregnant… is still there and, for the first time in my life, I am very much in touch with it.    

Here is an example of what I mean.  At my neurology check-up a couple of days ago, the neurologist (who isn’t a particularly tactful man to begin with) made the most obnoxious comment I’ve heard my whole pregnancy.  He started the appointment with banter about how I was going to regret having two babies…and probably will regret even having one when I am paying for college, etc.  Startled, I realized that the last time I saw him, I was pregnant with twins.  So, I swallowed the lump in my throat and said “We lost one of the babies, so we are just having one child.  But he’s healthy.” (I always feel the need to add that last part on, like I’m making up for the loss of one by doing a great job incubating the other).  I assumed there would be some show of sympathy or at least an awkward pause while what I said sunk in…but no.  The doctor said, without skipping a beat, “You lost one?  You put it down and couldn’t find it?”  And then he laughed…while looking me right in the eyes (eyes that were a little teary right then).  I was so shocked by the response, I thought there must have been some misunderstanding, so I said “No.  One of the babies didn’t make it.”  He said “I know.  You’re better off.”   

A year ago, when people made insensitive comments to me about infertility issues, I would take a deep breath, smile sweetly, and plot my revenge.  Or, more frequently, I would burst into tears and spend weeks letting the person’s words make me feel like I was unworthy of parenthood.  But things are different now, and when the doctor said what he said, I saw red!!!  It was all I could do to limit myself to one venomous reply – “Nice, Doc.  How very sensitive of you” (I left out the “Asshole!!!” at the end, but I think it was implied from my tone).  Cue the awkward silence.  There was very little talking during the rest of my appointment, and I think we were both VERY relieved when I walked out the door.

I told The Prince about my encounter with the doctor, and he actually felt sympathy for the doctor.  He said the poor guy probably didn’t know what to say, tried to make a joke to make things better, and ended up digging himself in too deep.  My reply was not my typical “Oh…I should try to see it from his perspective.  You might be right.”  No.  My response to The Prince was that he may want to be careful what he said, because he did not want to end up guilty by association in my mind…and any further sympathy for that doctor was going to get him there real quick.  That ended the conversation and, surprisingly, my anger.  You see… the nice thing I’ve discovered about being in touch with, and expressing my anger, is that the anger now goes away.  Instead of carrying that negative energy around with me like a full time burden, the anger now passes as quickly as it arises.  And for that, The Prince and I are thankful.