Wednesday, November 2, 2011

No Sugar...Just Spice (a.k.a. The Pissed Off Princess)

I had to share this cartoon...even if it has absolutely nothing to do with my post today.

In six hours, I will be 29 weeks pregnant and I have realized that pregnancy has destroyed whatever filter I had left that kept me from saying what was on my mind.  I’ve never been especially skilled at keeping my feelings to myself, but generally I was able to sugar coat the bad stuff enough that no one would have described me as …well…you know what word I’m looking for.  Now…there’s no more sugar left in me.  Only spice.  And occasionally anger.  I feel like all of the anger that I had built up during IVF… anger that I thought had gone away when I got pregnant… is still there and, for the first time in my life, I am very much in touch with it.    

Here is an example of what I mean.  At my neurology check-up a couple of days ago, the neurologist (who isn’t a particularly tactful man to begin with) made the most obnoxious comment I’ve heard my whole pregnancy.  He started the appointment with banter about how I was going to regret having two babies…and probably will regret even having one when I am paying for college, etc.  Startled, I realized that the last time I saw him, I was pregnant with twins.  So, I swallowed the lump in my throat and said “We lost one of the babies, so we are just having one child.  But he’s healthy.” (I always feel the need to add that last part on, like I’m making up for the loss of one by doing a great job incubating the other).  I assumed there would be some show of sympathy or at least an awkward pause while what I said sunk in…but no.  The doctor said, without skipping a beat, “You lost one?  You put it down and couldn’t find it?”  And then he laughed…while looking me right in the eyes (eyes that were a little teary right then).  I was so shocked by the response, I thought there must have been some misunderstanding, so I said “No.  One of the babies didn’t make it.”  He said “I know.  You’re better off.”   

A year ago, when people made insensitive comments to me about infertility issues, I would take a deep breath, smile sweetly, and plot my revenge.  Or, more frequently, I would burst into tears and spend weeks letting the person’s words make me feel like I was unworthy of parenthood.  But things are different now, and when the doctor said what he said, I saw red!!!  It was all I could do to limit myself to one venomous reply – “Nice, Doc.  How very sensitive of you” (I left out the “Asshole!!!” at the end, but I think it was implied from my tone).  Cue the awkward silence.  There was very little talking during the rest of my appointment, and I think we were both VERY relieved when I walked out the door.

I told The Prince about my encounter with the doctor, and he actually felt sympathy for the doctor.  He said the poor guy probably didn’t know what to say, tried to make a joke to make things better, and ended up digging himself in too deep.  My reply was not my typical “Oh…I should try to see it from his perspective.  You might be right.”  No.  My response to The Prince was that he may want to be careful what he said, because he did not want to end up guilty by association in my mind…and any further sympathy for that doctor was going to get him there real quick.  That ended the conversation and, surprisingly, my anger.  You see… the nice thing I’ve discovered about being in touch with, and expressing my anger, is that the anger now goes away.  Instead of carrying that negative energy around with me like a full time burden, the anger now passes as quickly as it arises.  And for that, The Prince and I are thankful.


Beckie's Infertile said...

First off can we talk about the blatant lack of professionalism here…asshole! Good for you! It is hard when those things build up because eventually they all just got to spill out. I like this saying and I think it would apply nicely here…

“Those that mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind”

So keep being true to yourself…at least you’ll see who your real friends are!

beccasfamilyof5 said...

Whilst I do think your doctor stepped out of line, I do think that your hormones had a lot to do with your outburst.

I've got 3 boys and with each pregnancy I took everything personally and I was constantly pissed off and angry all the time. Blame that testosterone.

Good luck with the final few weeks, they will soon begin to fly by, x

D said...

Wow. I am so glad you said what you did to that doctor! It's true that getting out what you want to say or mostly how you say helps make the anger go away. (((hugs)))

Lindsey said...

Becca's family of 5 -
You comment was unnecessary. Hormones had nothing to do with her rage as a result of this comment. The doctor was beyond out of line, disrespectful and very unprofessional. Its comments like this said in front of men that continue to justify the stereotypes about crazy hormonal women. We're not crazy, we have feelings and we deserve to express them.

Princess - I'm proud of you for putting him in his place. I hope he feels awkward and the next time he decides to spout off his unsolicited opinion he thinks twice about it first!

Joys Truly said...

1) That doc is lucky you were so nice. I personally would have given him a middle finger in his eye and topped it with my own laugh in his face while doing it. And I'm sorry no matter how awkward, he owes you an apology.
2) I'm glad you were able to get some of your anger out, at least on him!

China Doll said...

He was completely out of line and you were pretty damn diplomatic in my view... Why not let people know (especially professionals who are supposed to be sensitive) when they say something hurtful and upsetting? xx

Michelle D said...

Holy cow! I was baffled that a doctor (a supposed professional) would say something like that and then continue saying such insensitive things. Hormones or not you definitely were just fine in my book to feel how you did and say what you did (if not more). And I agree with all of Lindsey's post. Just because someone is pregnant doesn't mean they are overreacting or "extra emotional". Glad you said something and proud of you for keeping your cool...I would have lost it on him.

infertilenanny said...

Wow. Just wow. I would have called him an asshole and reported him because I'm suffering the same lack of sugar as you. I recently had someone indicate that I got knocked up on a whim. I *not so kindly* informed them that this baby was planned & prayed for. :/