Thursday, June 9, 2011

Bad to the Bone

I am a bad blogger.  I haven’t looked into why I am unable to comment on other blogs.  I haven’t kept up on writing my posts.  I haven’t updated my blog or added the new blogs I am following to my blog list.  The posts that I do manage are not creative and are not exactly positive.

But I am not just a bad blogger.  I am bad at everything right now.  I’m a bad employee…putting my head down on my desk every few minutes to try to stop the spinning that starts if I look at the computer screen too long, falling asleep in my chair if I make the mistake of resting my head on my hand for too long, and spending as much time in the bathroom as I do actually working. 

I’m a bad friend…not calling or getting together with all of the amazing women who have been so supportive of me during my infertility journey.  Some of them are going through IVF cycles right now or are in their two week waits…a time when you really need friends who “get it.”  But I’m absent and silent.  I feel like I don’t have the energy to talk or text and I am afraid to get together for a bite to eat because that hasn’t been working out so well for me lately.  I try to keep up on Facebook messages and emails, but lately even that has been slipping.

I’m a bad wife…napping and laying around most of the time that I am home from work, while my husband works two jobs and does chores around the house.  I complain too much about my symptoms.  I know I’m not supposed to complain…but when in the moment, it’s harder than you might think to keep the discomfort to yourself.  Don’t get me wrong, I am so grateful for this pregnancy, I just wish that I was one of the blessed women who sail through their pregnancy with no more than a couple of vomiting sessions.  I am sure The Prince wishes I was one of those women too…as I think he has about had it with waking up at 5:00 a.m. to the sound of me heaving each morning.  (Please don’t take my comments as a plea for sympathy or a fishing expedition for support…I don’t want any sympathy…I used to get annoyed by infertiles who got pregnant and then wanted sympathy from me regarding their pregnancy symptoms.  I’m not that person and would be really sad if anyone thought that I was.)

I’m a bad Puggy Mommy.  The pugs are overdue for their shots and having their nails clipped.  I keep thinking that “I will do it next week,” and then the next week comes and goes without me so much as picking-up the telephone to call the vet.  I just get exhausted thinking about trying to wrangle both of them into the car, into the vet’s office, onto the examination table, and back into the car again after the appointment.  They also aren’t going for walks after work anymore, which suits them just fine as they are as lazy as their mommy.  But it is causing them to put on more weight than I am comfortable with, and I worry about their health.  They sense the pregnancy and are protective of me and my belly, and they love the new “lay on the couch all evening” routine.  All of that makes me feel even more guilty for being a bad mommy to them.

I don’t want anyone reading this to think that I am depressed or negative about the pregnancy.  These are thoughts that just pop up occasionally and are usually gone as fast as they come.  But I don’t allow myself to acknowledge these thoughts during my daily life, and this blog is my confessional.  By putting these thoughts down here, I can see that they exist, analyze whether there is anything I can do to change the behaviors that are causing the thoughts, and forgive myself for the aspects of my life right now that I really have no control over.  I have great bosses, great friends, great blog followers and a great husband.  I know the wonderful people in my life will forgive me for a temporary period of “suckiness,” and they know that I will make it up to them as soon as I can.  Still…it feels good to own up to my inadequacies right now.  Yep, I feel better already…Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz


mommie-to-be said...

It seems like maybe you're being too hard on yourself, cut yourself a break. After all, in addition to caring for yourself, you are now caring for the precious little one growing inside you. That's got to take a lot out of a woman, and I'm sure you're doing the very best you can with each passing day. So, there's my two cents if it's worth anything.

Oh, and I don't know I've mentioned this before, but I am a pug mommy also, have two of my own. =)

Anonymous said...

Your body is doing a lot of work right now even while you are on the couch. Don't feel guilty about cutting back on the things you used to do that are too much right now. And don't forget to stroke hubby's ego a bit and let him know that he's doing an awesome job of taking care of you and the baby. He's not a mind reader and as long as he knows he's not being taken for granted he should be more than eager to step up to the plate when you can't.

Christina said...

My turn again to say "me, too!!" So much has gone to teh wayside to make more time for resting, peeing, not getting sick, etc. My poor pets and husband!

Just remember, you can "make up" for your current slack during the 2nd trimester when you'll supposedly feel better. Right now, you are working incredibly hard building a new life and getting your body ready for the next 7m and beyond with baby. Just give the hubs words of encouragement and gratitude and let him know he's a part of the process and you appreciate all he does!

Anonymous said...

Wow I could have written this exact post myself-don't worry hun you're not alone in this!I feel like I'm in this weird isolating bubble at the moment-unable to do anything 'normal' until I reach 12 weeks-and even then I can't imagine not spending every waking moment worrying and obsessing over this pregnancy!As well as feeling too bone-tired to do anything at all....oh yes I hear ya on this one!From Ants-Makingbabygiraffes(blogger won't let me comment unless it's under anonymous!)

New Year Mum said...

The most important thing to do at the moment is look after you and your bub... we'll always be here for you and completely understand. I've always found early pregnancy the most tiring - physically and emotionally. You've also been through so much... and likely to be exhausted from all your effort too. Love to you always xoxo

China Doll said...

Totally get this post! I feel like I can't really do anything normal until I hit that 2nd trimester.. I seem to be putting things off in favour of lying on the couch watching crappy TV :) Don't worry about it, I say! xx