Saturday, June 4, 2011

Seven weeks


I’m sorry it has taken me so long to write about yesterday’s ultrasound.  It may sound strange, but I haven’t really known what to say.  There were no huge surprises.  We have one very healthy baby, with a healthy heartbeat that was flickering away on the screen.  We have one empty sac that can barely be seen anymore. 

I had requested that the head nurse at the clinic perform my ultrasound.  I didn’t want to take any chances that I would walk away from yesterday’s ultrasound wondering if the nurse who did the scan was just not careful enough or just missed the twin.  Denial is a powerful thing.   The head nurse is incredibly thorough and, I know that if she says something is so, it is.  She saw our big baby immediately, but scooted around it and looked for the other sac for a long time.  It wasn’t easy to find, but when she found it, she was very thorough about making sure there was nothing in it.  Then, probably sensing that my tears were about to start pouring down, she quickly moved on to our healthy baby, and turned on the Doppler.  I thought seeing our baby’s heartbeat last week was awesome.  But I’ve got to tell you…hearing the whoosh, whoosh, whoosh of a tiny little heart beating inside of your belly is truly awe inspiring!  The nurse had handled it perfectly.  I couldn’t dwell on my loss and listen to a miracle at the same time.

That feeling, of not being able to deal with both of those things at the same time has carried over, even though I’m not listening to the whoosh right now.  The mind is a funny thing.  It protects us in very creative ways.  My mind, instead of saying “Ha Ha…I was right and you were wrong Heart,” immediately decided that there never was a twin.  My mind capitalized on the fact that we never saw a heartbeat or fetus in the second sac (we only saw the sac itself), and convinced my heart that there was never a baby in that sac.  Sometimes, empty sacs form around an embryo that didn’t fully implant.  That’s what I have convinced myself happened in the case of our “twin.”  It doesn’t hurt as much that way.  We didn’t lose a baby, we just had an embryo that didn’t take.  That’s an easier pill to swallow.  I can move on from that.

Maybe someday I will feel equipped to experience the joy of my pregnancy and the grief of a loss at the same time, but today is not that day.  Right now, I need to go back to my “all-in” attitude and just start being over the moon happy about the baby I have.   If things go well at next week’s ultrasound, and there is no indication that it won’t, I get discharged from my fertility center, to my OBGYN.  The mixed emotions about being “discharged” will have to wait for another post, but for now, I am just settling in to the comfort of being truly, closer to out of the woods, pregnant.

6 comments:

Christina said...

Congratulations on a strong healthy baby! I'm figuratively drooling that you got to hear the heartbeat already! Seeing it is ridiculously incredible, I can't imagine what hearing it must be like...

I was a bit scared when I was released after just the 1st u/s. What helped me was thinking of it in terms that the RE is happy with things and confident in how things were going. He's seen hundreds/thousands of early u/s, so I'll trust in his experience. It didn't hurt that my OB scheduled my 1st appt for the next week so there wasn't a huge time gap!!

Seeing that little bit of light between the trees is very comforting. Keep going! (ps. I've had a few "close calls" so you're not alone!)

Dawn said...

Congratulations on a healthy baby! I have been sitting on pins and needles waiting for this post. Lots of love you you both. (((hugs)))

Endo_Life said...

So glad all went well and you have a healthy little one in there. I can only imagine your emotions when you heard that heartbeat!

S said...

Hooray for seeing your baby's heartbeat! I'm glad, too, that your nurse handled the u/s so compassionately.

And congratulations on being close to "graduating" to the OB! :-)

New Year Mum said...

Wonderful to hear your little ones heartbeat... it's such a magical moment. I know what you mean about our how our mind works to protect us... sorry for your twin. It'll be such a huge milestone to move onto seeing your OBGYN :)) Love always xoxo

newyearmum2.blogspot.com

China Doll said...

Congratulations on your strong, healthy baby! Hearing that heartbeat must be amazing :) You will have time to work through all your feelings and grief about your twin, but it sounds like you're taking a good, forward-looking approach for now. xx