Saturday, June 18, 2011

Bigger Fish To Fry

Yesterday, I was fretting about the various prenatal testing options and the decisions that come along with each of them.  As usually happens when I am getting ahead of myself on an issue, God (or the Universe…or whatever higher power you may believe in) put me in my place with a painful reminder that things are not as set in stone as I imagine them to be. 

Yesterday afternoon, I attended my work picnic.  I was uncomfortable sitting on the picnic table bench for two hours, but there was no pain or anything to indicate a problem.  But when I got home and went to the bathroom, there it was…spotting!  (TMI WARNING!!!!!!)  The spotting continued for a few hours and was mainly a light pink color…not like real blood.  But there was also a reddish-brownish CM-type substance that was of more concern to me…because I don’t remember ever having anything like that.  I cried on and off most of the evening, certain that I had somehow taken my pregnancy for granted and that we were now being punished for it…on The Prince’s birthday no less.  The Prince didn’t cry, but he was really upset and said “You can’t lose the baby.  We need a baby.”  He also said “I’m sure it’s fine,” about 50 times, but it was obvious from his tone that he was attempting to convince himself as much as he was attempting to comfort me. 

Pregnancy is difficult in that it is nearly impossible to know what is signaling a problem.  With infertility, the first couple of cycles were full of new scary symptoms, but I quickly made fertility friends and had friends or nurses to ask about issues as they arose.  While different medications have different side effects for different people, there is a lot of information on forums, fertility clinic websites, and even FDA inserts to explain what is normal and what is abnormal.  There is nothing similar to that for pregnancy.  If you type in any symptom and pregnancy together in Dr. Google (even something like tongue bumpy and pregnancy), you will get a slew of web hits that say the symptom is normal and a slew saying it is not.  I have the books Mayo Clinic Guide To A Healthy Pregnancy and What To Expect When You Are Expecting, and those books do not always agree about what is normal and what requires immediate medical attention.  Every pregnancy is so unique that talking to other women about what happened during their pregnancy isn’t really helpful either.  My sister-in-law had no morning sickness and my mother-in-law only had morning sickness a couple of times during two pregnancies.  If I compared my pregnancy, thus far, to their pregnancies, I would be convinced that something was wrong and I was dying. 

With that said, you have to take reliable information where you can get it.  I’ve followed along with the journeys of fellow IF’ers who have gotten pregnant over the last few months, and I have seen others who have had significant spotting that ended up being no cause for concern.  So, I am trying to tell myself that what I experienced last night was normal and is no indication that anything is wrong with the pregnancy or the baby.  Regardless of whether I am right (and at least I only have to wait until Monday to find out), the experience has been a wake-up call.  I allowed myself to get too comfortable in the pregnancy.  I thought that I was supposed to be confident that things would be fine and not worry the pregnancy away.  But must be there must be a happy medium that I’ve missed somewhere along the way.  There must be a way to stay vigilant enough that you don’t get ahead of yourself (with obsessive thoughts about CV testing, for example), but comfortable enough that you aren’t missing the beauty of the pregnancy.  I guess my next quest will be in search of that happy medium.


D said...

Sorry about the spotting scare. :( When you find the happy medium... let me know. I'm searching too!

China Doll said...

I second D's comment... let us know when you find that heavenly place of balance.. It sounds like you're handling the spotting as well as possible - you're right that the internet is not really a help when you want to know what's 'normal'. But it does seem like lots of people have that sort of spotting and all is fine. Hope yours has stopped now and all goes well at the appt today xx

Christina said...

Spotting can be very normal in the 1st trimester. I hope it is nothing in your case and goes away soon!

For the balance, I've just been trying to enjoy each day as it comes. I set aside time once a week or so to "plan" for things, and try to limit my scheduling to just then. Good luck in finding your Medium!

Lindsey said...

So sorry about the stressful spotting! As if we didn't have enough stress just being infertile, we also know so many women who have miscarried, I think it makes us all that much more nervous. I'm so glad everything is Ok though!