Monday, June 27, 2011

Morning Madness

It’s another one of those “wake-up at 4:00 a.m. in full-on worry mode” mornings.  That means it is likely going to be a “fall asleep at your desk if you aren’t careful” afternoons.  I am literally rationalizing why it is okay for me to just get up for the day right now, by reminding myself that I can be back in bed, napping, 12 hours from now.  Not a great way to start the day.

I had hoped my early morning panics would subside throughout the pregnancy.  I used to have them all the time when I was dealing with infertility.  Sometimes due to fear over how a cycle was progressing (or failing to progress), sometimes due to fear over the possibility of never getting pregnant, and sometimes due to the emotional upheaval that took place in my marriage during the dark years.  Once I got pregnant, I woke-up with fear over losing the pregnancy...or with those strange hormone-related nightmares.   I’m starting to sneak past the miscarriage fear, but there is always a replacement, isn’t there?  If you are the type of person that I am (a habitual worrier), even when you conquer one fear, there is always another waiting to replace it. 

This morning’s fears are ridiculous and premature.  I know that.   But the knowledge doesn’t stop my heart from pounding and my stomach from feeling sick with anxiety.  At my appointment with Dr. B, last week, she told me that if I hadn’t gotten my sick stomach under control by the end of the week, I would have to start drinking Ensure.  For those of you not familiar with Ensure, it is a very dense, nutrient-rich, canned creamy shake of sorts.  It is frequently taken by people who have just undergone stomach bypass surgery or by the elderly.  I’ve had to take it on two occasions, when illnesses landed me in the hospital for malnutrition.  It is not a pleasant-tasting drink.  In fact, I had difficulty forcing myself to drink it when I wasn’t experiencing severe food aversions and nausea.  Dr. B acknowledged as much and told me that I didn’t have to drink a whole can at a time, just a little bit on ice throughout the day.  But she was adamant that the pregnancy was reaching a point where the baby is actually needing nutrients from me…nutrients that I just can’t give it right now if I’m not able to take in more food.  I’m still down 15 pounds from when I got pregnant, which is better than the 20 pounds I was down a week ago when I needed IV fluids, but not great for the end for the third month of pregnancy.

I thought I was feeling better, as Friday and Saturday I was keeping most of what I ate down with the help of Zofran.   But apparently it was just one of those temporary “teaser” reprieves that early pregnancy occasionally sends my way because yesterday things were back to the status quo.  So, I have to come to grips with the fact that I need to drink Ensure, for the sake of the baby, even though I really hate that stuff.  Why is this keeping me awake at night?  I have no idea.  It isn’t like I have to eat live scorpions or lay in a snake pit…it’s a drink.  But still, I think my Negative Nelly tendencies have my mind off to the races, jumping from “you aren’t meeting your babies nutritional needs” to “your body is already failing the baby, just like it has failed you in the past” to “what if you can’t do this?”  That last question goes beyond my ability to stomach the Ensure, I think.

My second fear deals with my baby registry, which I started last night.  I thought it would be so much fun for my plan-loving self.   But it hasn’t been fun so far.  I am afraid that I am choosing the wrong stores to register at.  I’m afraid that I am choosing things I won’t need or forgetting about things that I really will need.  I’m frustrated that about half of my registry is on hold because I don’t know the baby’s gender now, and won’t know the baby’s gender for another two months, so I can’t yet choose gender appropriate items or my nursery theme.  I’m concerned about how quickly the “big ticket” items are adding up and about how long my registry is going to end up being.  I’m not even at 11 weeks.  Most people haven’t started thinking about their registries yet.   But I can’t stop thinking about mine…and it’s not fun!

Looking back at the beginning of this blog, I know I need to get my butt to a prenatal yoga class (a daunting prospect when napping and throwing up are your two most common activities).  I need to get a good pregnancy meditation CD and use it.  I need to grab those moments, which are now an everyday occurrence (thank God), when I feel nothing but love and joy and gratitude for my pregnancy.  I need to hold onto those moments and find a way to use them as a light to chase away the darker emotions that always want to snuggle in beside me.  I know what I need to do, but like drinking the Ensure, I just can’t seem to bring myself to do it.    


Lindsey said...

Ensure is yucky, I am sorry you have to drink it. I would also dread it! As to putting the "wrong" things on your regestry, just make sure you register at places which use your registry as a gift reciept (like babys r us). That way you can return stuff you don't think you need at get stuff you do.

PS - you have a baby shower registry!

China Doll said...

Sorry the sickness is still giving you so much trouble.. that Ensure sounds like condensed milk to me and I can't imagine drinking a whole can of that either :(
But you can do it and you and your body can do whatever else it takes for your baby to be happy and healthy :)
As for the registry.. we don't really have those in the UK and I certainly won't be having one in Korea, so right now, I'm just super jealous of yours! xx