Tuesday, June 7, 2011

It's Friday, I'm in Love.

When I went through infertility treatments, I was always waiting.  Waiting for AF or for my medications to arrive.  Waiting to start my stimulation medications or for my ultrasounds and blood work.  Waiting for egg retrieval.  Waiting for the phone call to tell me how many eggs fertilized.  Waiting for transfer.  Waiting for my beta test.  I thought all of the waiting would be behind me when I finally got pregnant.  I thought wrong.

I spend every day waiting for Friday.  Friday is my ultrasound day, and starting four weeks ago, Friday became the most important day of the week to me.  All week long I second guess my symptoms or the twinges (sometimes more than twinges) in my belly.  I have little mini-panic attacks and am overcome with the feeling that something is terribly wrong.  It’s easy to do when, for every week of pregnancy through week 12, I know at least one person who has lost her baby at that stage.  Every week, I need the reassurance of seeing the heartbeat on the screen and so every week I watch the clock slowly tick towards Friday.  It doesn’t tick nearly quickly enough.  Friday is still an eternity away.

To complicate matters further, this Friday will be bittersweet.  Not only will this Friday be my week 8 ultrasound, if everything looks good this Friday, I will be discharged from my fertility center to my OBGYN.  In other words, the doctors and nurses that have become like family to me over the last three years will no longer be involved in my care.  They have put up with my almost daily emails, emotional breakdowns, misdirected anger and generally neurotic behavior.  They have put up with me without ever complaining, telling me to calm down, or making me feel like I was a “problem patient.”  I think that I cannot reasonably expect the same treatment from my OBGYN.  Her office has a reputation for being very friendly and very patient, but how patient can she possibly be?  Surely she will not be as patient as the healthcare providers at my fertility center.  She doesn’t know what I’ve been through.  She won’t understand why I am irrationally fearful of losing this baby.  She won’t understand how hard I’ve worked for this baby.  She won’t give me an ultrasound every Friday so that I can survive the next week without being crushed under the weight of my own fears.

I wish I could tell all of you that the fearful anticipation that haunts many women throughout their infertility journeys ends with pregnancy.  But it doesn’t.  No matter how hard I try to be Positive Polly, I am stuck in the same familiar struggles with my own inner demons.  The one piece of good news that I can give you is that I now have an amazing secret weapon that is more powerful than any negative thoughts that plague me.  My secret weapon is the enormous amount of love that I feel for the tiny little peanut growing in my belly.  Somehow, I already have an emotional bond with the tiny form that I see on the ultrasound screen each Friday.  So, when the negative thoughts seem to be crushing down on me, I put my hands on my belly and thank that baby for giving me the gift of a love that I’ve never experienced before. I’m still impatient and I’m still afraid, but I am also filled with love and gratitude…feelings I had a hard time mustering during my infertility journey.  Maybe that is why I really count the days until each Friday…because I desperately want to be as close to that baby as I can be, even if “getting closer” is simply seeing a flicker on the screen or hearing a whoosh-whoosh-whoosh on the Doppler.  Is it Friday yet?   

*****P.S.  I am so sorry that I haven't been leaving comments.  Blogger and I are having issues...mainly that Blogger won't let me sign into my account when I am trying to comment.  It just keeps shipping me back to the sign-in page over and over.  So, as soon as I have time to look into it, I will...and I will catch-up on comments.


Christina said...

I'm not sure what Blogger's problem is. It definitely seems hit or miss.

I completely understand your feelings right now! So much so that I caved and purchased a home doppler. I don't want to seem like that crazy patient that needs constant reassurance at the OB's, but since I am I'll do it from teh privacy of my own home!

Feel free to email me at domino783 at gmail dot com if youd like!

(ps- my Capcha is "sosic" which is exactly what I've been the past few days!)

S said...

The waiting and worrying never really ends. I'm always telling my husband that achieving pregnancy is just the beginning. You then have to worry that your pregnancy continues and goes smoothly, that your baby is born healthy, etc., etc. It probably doesn't end until your child is grown (and maybe not even then).

I'm glad you are feeling this special love for little Hamish. Too cool! :-)

New Year Mum said...

Your love for your little one will get you through... that bond is such a special thing to share. It must be so magical to see their little heartbeat every week :) I'm sure you're OB will understand... I'll be on the phone to mine all the time when I get pregnant :)) Love to you always xoxo

Switched over to my private blog today... access posts via http://newyearmum2.blogspot.com/... email me on newyearmum@gmail.com if you're having trouble with access xo

China Doll said...

Totally feeling all the same feelings :) You're so lucky you get a scan every week up to week 8... I'm already discharged and now wondering when my next one will be!