Thursday, August 11, 2011

Have A Little Faith In Me

When The Prince and I were going through failed IVF after failed IVF, there was an idea I struggled with – what if I wasn’t able to get pregnant because my body wouldn’t be able to carry a child?  I remember the first time my mother said to me, “Did it ever occur to you that you can’t get pregnant because you just won’t be able to carry a healthy child?  Pregnancy will probably kill you or the baby.  Maybe this is God’s way of telling you that there is a beautiful baby out there already, that needs for you to adopt it.”  I wanted to slap my mother right across the face…through the phone.  But my mother is a bit crazy, so I dismissed her comments as the musings of a lonely, overly-dramatic, mentally ill woman.  Then a friend of mine suggested the same thing my mother had…and then an aunt said something similar…and then another friend questioned my body’s ability.  The more people suggested that I was not getting pregnant because I wasn’t meant to…because things wouldn’t go well during my pregnancy…the more resolve I had to prove them wrong, but also the more the idea burrowed into my internal dialogue about infertility.  Ultimately, I ended up spending a lot of time in therapy sessions trying to forgive my body for disappointing me in the past.  I had to find faith that my body’s past performance had no impact on my body’s ability in to do what was expected of it in the future.

Well…today I am 17 weeks pregnant.  My body needed some help to get pregnant, but it did it.  So, why was my first thought this morning not about how big a 17 week old fetus is, or about where my uterus is positioned this week?  Why was my first thought about the “your body won’t be able to carry a child” suggestions?  Because my body is having a difficult time carrying the baby.  First, there was the morning sickness, dehydration and 30+ pound resultant weight-loss.  Then, the gestational diabetes set in.  Now, I am having an increasing number of episodes of dizziness and fainting spells.  I had to stay home from work yesterday afternoon and today, and have to go in for an emergency appointment with Dr. B this afternoon.  Dr. B is concerned about the baby’s well-being right now, so I have been under strict orders to lay on my left side as much as possible, drink as much fluid as possible, eat as much iron as possible, and protect the baby until we can make sure that the baby isn’t in any distress.  The baby breezed through my first trimester woes with no problems.  But we are a month into the second trimester now…and what is bad for me is now bad for the baby.  I can still feel the baby moving, so I believe that the baby is okay.  But for how long?  And even if the baby is okay…why can’t my body get itself together so that I can spend the next five months doing the things I need to do to prepare for the baby, instead of laying on the couch in the role of a glorified incubator? 

I have faith that I made the right decision to get pregnant.  I have faith that the baby and I are going to make it through this pregnancy, both healthy and happy.  And if the choice is to go bankrupt laying on the couch for the next five months while I protect the baby, or taking a chance with the baby's welfare, you better believe my butt will be leaving a permanent imprint on the couch.  But I would be lying if I said there wasn't still a nagging vice inside of me, suggesting that I brought this all on myself and that my selfishness is responsible for any problems the baby may suffer.  I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little bit scared about my appointment this afternoon.


Willow said...

How awful that people have said that to you! I thought that about myself for awhile in our years of TTC, though I somehow no longer believed I wasn't meant to be pregnant by the time we turned to DE. I'm so sorry you're having such a tough pregnancy, especially with all that negative messaging already on hand, but you are doing everything you can to take care of your baby, you've made it thru the iffiest trimester, and I know you will continue to protect your little one. I can imagine how scary it is and just want to say I believe in you!

COME ON BABY said...

Oh goodness sweetie pie. My fingers are crossed for you and your little one. Much love, Jen

Anonymous said...

Fight the negative thoughts. You got pregnant. Your body allowed you to. If you have to lay on the couch then get yourself a bell and do it! In the end, you will have your happy healthy baby and what you had to do to get there won't matter. Hang in there...xo