Suzie Sunshine I Am Not

I know that I am quite the absentee blogger lately.  I have been in a very surly mood the past couple of days (perhaps I need another good cry) and didn’t want to spread my negativity to others.  I think the grumpiness is mainly a hormone issue, but my new “gestational diabetes schedule” is also wearing me out a little.  This is an example of what my day now consists of:

5:30 a.m. – Wake-up and pee on a stick to test my ketone level

6:00 a.m. – Test glucose level and take insulin injection

6:30 a.m. – Eat breakfast

6:45 a.m. – Commute to work

7:00 a.m. – Begin work day

7:30 a.m. – Test glucose level again

9:30 a.m. – Eat a snack that includes a carbohydrate and a protein serving

10:00 a.m. – Call endocrinologist with glucose levels for last 24 hours

11:45 a.m. – Test glucose again and take another insulin injection

12:00 p.m. – Eat lunch

1:15 p.m. – Test glucose again

3:00 p.m. – Start commute back home

3:15 p.m. – Eat another snack

3:30 p.m. – Take a one to two hour pregnancy nap

6:00 p.m. – Test glucose again and take another insulin injection

6:15 p.m. – Eat dinner

7:15 p.m. – Test glucose again

8:45 p.m. – Eat a light snack

9:30 p.m. – Take another insulin injection

10:00 p.m. – Go to bed and try (usually unsuccessfully) to sleep

I am trying to get settled into this routine, but am finding it incredibly disruptive to my work day.  I am forgetting things (something I never do), and am having to rely on lists more than usual.  I don’t know where to fit showers, housecleaning, shopping, doctor’s appointments, etc. into this schedule…much less where to fit social events with friends.  The list of things I want to get done, or need to get done, is a mile long and it never seems to get shorter.  I am telling myself that this is excellent preparation for a baby’s feeding and sleeping (or should I say…lack of sleeping) schedule and, while that is comforting from a logical standpoint, it hasn’t improved my mood.  

Adding insult to injury, I am finally starting to put on weight…but it isn’t the happy event I had thought it would be.  My doctors are happy that the scale is finally moving in the right direction, now that I can keep down most of what I eat.  But I recently saw pictures of me holding my three week old niece, and I am HUGE!  Not pregnancy huge…fat huge.  Looking at myself in the mirror, I saw myself very differently than how I looked in the pictures.  Perhaps knowing how much weight I lost and how sick I was during the first trimester skewed my self-perception.  I am not happy about how I actually look and I am not happy that I am helpless to do anything about it for now.  This is such a blessed time in my life…and I now don’t want photos to memorialize it because I cry every time I see a picture of myself.

And…to add injury to insult…I fell down our cellar stairs Sunday night.  Really, it was only the bottom three steps, but it still feels like I pulled/strained just about every muscle I have.  I only have a couple of visible bruises and I managed to keep from hitting my stomach on the way down (I actually got the super-human mommy strength and held my face and belly off the floor with my forearms when I fell forward…something I am not strong enough to do normally).  I don’t even know how the fall happened.  I just felt dizzy for a minute and down I went.  So…in addition to my grumpiness over everything I mentioned above, I am also very sore.  That really isn’t helping matters.

I know I am just sounding whiney at this point.  Perhaps it is best that I have been an absentee blogger.  Sorry.