Still Not Over It

This morning, during a moment of joy, I realized that I am still not over losing the twin early in this pregnancy.  I had decided to use the home Doppler this morning, to “play” with the baby (the baby kicks the probe and if you move the probe to another spot, the baby will readjust for a minute and find it to kick it again…I love it).  After awhile, I decided to try to find the heartbeat for an accurate rate check…and I heard two heartbeats!  Not the baby’s and a slow one like mine…two fast ones.  As I listened to the two heartbeats (for all of a couple of seconds), I convinced myself that the doctors had just made a mistake for the last 3 months…and that Baby #2 was still hiding in my belly.  I rationalized that the second baby was why I felt so much movement and so early in the pregnancy.  I decided that I was pregnant with multiples, and that was why I was so sick.  Then, the probe moved and I realized that I had been hearing an echo of our baby’s heartbeat…not a second heartbeat.  I felt tears well-up in my eyes and I didn’t want to “play” anymore.

How ridiculous!  Of course there is no second “hidden” baby.  You would think after all of the ultrasounds, the NT scan, and the “heartbeat checks,” that fact would be abundantly clear to me.  But there is still a part of me…19 weeks into pregnancy…that won’t let go of the twin.  I’m not judging myself for having these feelings.  I’m past the point of caring whether this is normal or abnormal.  It just makes me sad that I feel this way, and it makes me a little nervous that I will never truly be “over” the vanishing twin.

I went to my first prenatal yoga class on Monday.  At one point, all of the women got into a circle and discussed a little bit about their pregnancies.  One of the other gals in the class said that she was pregnant (the exact same number of weeks as me) with twins after an IVF.  Everyone squealed excitedly for her.  I worked on not crying.  After the class, that very nice woman wanted to talk to me about my experiences with hyperemesis, as she was having issues with that too.  People from the class kept interrupting to say things like “I am so jealous you are having twins” or “I wanted twins but after this pregnancy, I’m glad I’m only having one.”   Every fiber of my being said that I needed to run away from that situation.  Each comment made me remember my excitement when they found the second baby on that first ultrasound.  And as I stood there, I wondered…will I always react this way?  Will seeing twins always bring that ultrasound picture to my mind?  Will I always be a little jealous of someone who is having twins?  Will I always like the look of a double stroller better than a single one?

I know in my heart that this pregnancy…this singleton pregnancy…is perfect for me right now.  I have really struggled with this pregnancy and I have serious doubts about whether I could have managed the pregnancy if I was still carrying two babies.  Things happened the way they needed to, so that I could be a mother.  I know all of that.   But I’m still not over the loss.  I thought I was…but I’m not…and I wonder when that will change.