Snow Why and the Seven IVF's (Chapter One) - Once Upon A Time

A few wise friends of mine (Thanks, ladies) told me that I should attempt to distract myself for the next couple of weeks, as I wait for the next leg of my journey to begin, and so…I’m going back to the beginning of this journey and am going to start really focusing on the fairy tale that I promised when I began this blog.  Perhaps weaving fact and fantasy together will provide a much needed distraction for me.   And without further ado…I present Snow Why and the Seven IVF's.

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ONCE UPON A TIME, in a land far away, there was a beautiful young princess with skin as pale as the driven snow.  Really.  She had to use a ton of blush in the winter and ten minutes in the sun in the summer left her looking like a lobster.  Because of her porcelain complexion (and not because she did a lot of cocaine…that was a different princess), she was affectionately referred to as “Snow.”  Snow was perfect…well…almost perfect.  Snow was a little over-analytical, constantly questioning everything around her.  Snow’s very first word as a babe was “Why.”  It would be a word she used so frequently throughout her life that by the time she reached her teenage years, most people referred to her as Snow Why.

Snow Why lived with the narcissistic Queen, who was Snow Why’s mother, and a slew of evil step-fathers (who each thought they were the King until the Queen sent them packing as she moved on to her next Fixer-Upper).  Because of her home life, Snow Why spent many years distracting herself with meaningless, and not so meaningless activities.  She tried competing in pageants and doing some modeling (which totally pissed-off the jealous Queen) and tried (unsuccessfully) to find a relationship better than the ones the Queen always found herself in.  Snow Why also loved singing and spent many hours singing and playing piano…convinced that she was going to move to the Big City and become a famous actress/singer.  Once she got to college, Snow Why realized that she didn’t really want to move to the Big City and face the potential failure that faces so many princesses with big dreams, so she became more practical and started focusing on studies in more stable career paths.  She also would frequently find herself singing the same song over and over - “Someday My Prince Will Come” - and wondering why it was taking so long for her prince to find her.  All through college and law school (the best possible place for people who would prefer to ask “Why” than to actually do anything), Snow Why sang her song until…one day…her Prince arrived. 

The Prince and Snow Why dated for three years.  They were very happy, riding around the kingdom on his white steed, having a royal wedding, and eventually settling down in a nice castle that was much bigger than the tiny rented castle they had previously shared. After they finished getting settled, they decided that they would like to have a child.  At first the “trying” to get pregnant was a fun endeavor.  They “tried” in the castle, “tried” in the woods, and even “tried” on the back of the Prince’s mighty steed (much to the steed’s chagrin).  But no matter how hard they tried, month after month they were faced with disappointment.  Soon, Snow Why was peeing on ovulation predictor tests and discussing her cervical mucous with the Prince.  She would meet the Prince at the castle door, as soon as he returned from a hard day of slaying dragons, demanding that they “try” again because it was “O” day.  The problem was, “trying” had become such a chore that neither the Prince nor Snow Why were having much luck achieving “The Big O”…which really made it difficult for them to keep trying.  Even with some magic blue pills that Snow Why scored from a Wizard, the Prince’s sword was not willing to try hard anymore.

Snow Why wondered what was wrong.  Why couldn’t she get pregnant?  Why was she not attractive enough to hold the Prince’s attention “that way?”  Why did she wait so long to start trying for a baby?  Why didn’t she spend more time and effort looking for her Prince before her mid-20’s?  Snow Why decided that there was only thing to do….

TO BE CONTINUED