RESOLVE's Infertility Myth Challenge: Infertility is Nature’s Way of Telling You That You Aren’t Meant To Be A Mother.

Infertility Myth To Be Busted:  Infertility is Nature’s Way of Telling You That You Aren’t Meant To Be A Mother.

Approximately one year into my infertility journey, my aunt, who had recently found out about my struggle with infertility, said “Well, did you consider that maybe this is God’s way of telling you that you aren’t supposed to be a mother?”  That statement knocked the wind out of me and, as the ensuing dazed feeling wore off, I wondered how anyone could be so cruel.  I’m financially secure and responsible.  I’ve taken care of my younger siblings since I was a child myself.  What did I do to indicate that I would not be a good mother? 

Little did I know that I would hear variations of that comment over and over again during my infertility journey.  The wording would change a little.  For example, one friend (a mother of three) asked “Are you sure that infertility isn’t nature’s way of telling you that you aren’t meant to be a mother?  Maybe you just aren’t going to do well with messy diapers and no sleep.”  Another friend, who did not know about my infertility struggles, said “Infertility is a tool of evolution, and women who aren’t meant to have children can’t.  These women who make test tube babies are messing with nature and with the balance of life.”  Each of these comments felt like a knife stabbing through me, and I have heard from my fertility friends that I am not alone in having faced these cold comments and the psychological trauma that the comments cause.  Regardless of how these comments are worded, they all send the same message – if you have infertility, you are broken and the reason you are broken is directly connected to your inability to be a good mother. 

But people say lots of insensitive things in relation to infertility.  So what makes these comments any worse than the others?  I think that this myth is one of the most dangerous myths out there because it is so easy to believe.  All of us who have experienced infertility have experienced the dark days that come with it, when the pain is almost unbearable and we are left asking the question “Why?  Why am I unable to get pregnant and have a baby, the most natural act in the world?  Why has infertility chosen me?”  Combine the human desire to attribute reason to hardship, with the profound negative effect that infertility can have on a woman’s self-esteem, and it is very easy to see why many women with infertility struggle with the concern that they have infertility because they will be a sub-standard parent and they just don’t know it yet.  Even if we “know” that it is not true, sometimes this myth “feels” true…so whether the seed of doubt is being planted from the outside or from within, the very means in which infertility effects us as women makes this myth feel true.

Here is the good news…this myth is not true!  When this myth is applied to other physical conditions, it is apparent how silly the myth is and how insensitive it is for others to make these comments to women who are going through infertility.  No one would ever say to a person with diabetes that, “This is God’s way of telling you that you aren’t supposed to enjoy desserts.”  No one would say to someone who has suffered an amputation, “Maybe this is just nature’s way of telling you that you aren’t meant to have an arm.  Maybe you would do bad things with that arm if you had it.”  As with most debilitating medical conditions, infertility is indiscriminate.  Women of all ages, races, socioeconomic status and religion are afflicted with infertility.  And, like other physical conditions, how a person “may” behave in the future cannot be deemed the cause of a physical condition the person suffers from now.  To believe otherwise is irrational. 

Another means of debunking this myth is by looking at all of the women suffering from secondary infertility.  I have only had the pleasure of knowing a dozen or so of these women, but I can say, without equivocation, that they are wonderful mothers, full of love and patience.  Although I am working with a small sample size, I say with great confidence that no rational argument can be made that these women have been afflicted with infertility because they will be sub-par mothers.  They have already taken on the motherhood role and have managed it splendidly.

Further, although I try not to pass judgment on others, we all hear stories on the news, and in our own personal lives, about women mistreating their children…abandoning them, abusing them or worse.  It would seem that if God, nature, or evolution were going to weed out the candidates for motherhood on a merit-based system, every infertile woman I know would be a mother and there would be far less of these awful stories on the news. 

Women with infertility become personal assistants of sorts, juggling medication protocols, appointments, and large quantities of information.  We also become avid researchers and problem solvers.  We hone our ability to focus fully on the tasks at hand, regardless of any pain and emotional turmoil that we may be experiencing.  We support one another unconditionally, listening without judgments and expressing love and comfort to people we barely know, based solely on the bond we’ve developed over our shared experiences.  In short, infertility prepares us to be even more amazing mothers than we were already destined to be.  I am certainly not saying I would wish infertility on anyone, but my point is that having infertility is not a sign that you should stop pursuing your dream because you have been deemed unworthy of motherhood.  Infertility is a curse of sorts…but it is not a punishment.  We are not infertile because we will be bad mothers…we are going to be great mothers in spite of, and because of, our battle with infertility.

So, to those who would say infertility is nature’s way of saying you won’t be a good mother…I say, Myth Busted!

***For a basic understanding of infertility, go to: http://www.resolve.org/infertility101

*** For a little background of National Infertility Awareness Week® (NIAW): http://www.resolve.org/takecharge.*

*** For those interested in taking on the infertility myth challenge: http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/bust-an-infertility-myth-submission-guidelines.html